I'm gonna promise myself that 2010 will be better. It has to be. Not because 2009 couldn't have sucked more, but because there is no other way.

It's easy being chipper when you're out with friends, shopping, barhopping or jigabooing but I'm not happy inside.

There. I've said it. I'm not happy inside. There's always that nagging thought at the back of my head. This is fun and all, but this can't be it. This can't be it.

But how come it is? I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. (Or maybe I can, but I'm not gonna tell you about it.)

So much shit went down this year with only a handful of memorable happy times, it was a struggle just to keep afloat. The bad days that made it to this blog are nothing to what I never wrote about; that's how sad it is. I get my happy moments but they're what they are- just moments. But this is it, I am done. I can't settle for these short, fleeting happy days anymore.


Months ago, a friend told me I was the reason he's "happier these days". Well that's nice to know but that's not fair, is it? Where do others get off being happier because of me, while I'm here down in the pits?

I've lost count of the mornings spent despondently drinking lime Breezers with a goddamn straw and the the nights spent wondering where I fucked up. My self-esteem was nowhere to be found throughout the year. And people should stop telling me to keep looking forward/ keep moving on, coz I can't keep going going going and never asking where.


I've probably been looking for happiness in all the wrong places or something and seriously, this bullshit has got to stop. No more drunken hook-ups, no more lying in bed til 5pm, no more Malibu rum pancakes for breakfast, no more stupid shit. It's high time I started taking care of my body and myself coz nobody else will.