So I was watching a certain movie yesterday. It touched me in such a big way. No, not in a philosophical, life-altering sense, but it moved me. The things the people in the movie did were just priceless in my eyes. I cried buckets because of the plot, but I knew some of those tears had nothing to do with the death of a character.
It's just that I realized something towards the end of this movie. I realized that my life has gone horribly wrong.
Somewhere along the way, I lost touch with the friends who do the things I do. The friends who get me, y'know? The people who gave me the ultimate confidence and stoked my passion.
I am significantly less confident of myself now than I was 5 years ago, and to put it quite simply, I'm really sad about it. Yes, I know it's my problem and I should do something about it rather than mope around. But it's always easier said than done, isn't it? (And no, I'm not moping!) I'm happy and thankful for a lot of things and this is NOT me on a one-way ticket to depression, just to be clear. (Please read that line again)
I love the friends I have, I really do. But it would make life so much sunnier for me if I had the old gang from 5 years back. Do you know how sad it is when all the real hugs you get now come from 2nd-degree friends? Whereas your own buddies take you for granted and text you "Hugs!" once in a while when you're down, but never do it for real when they have the chance. In Amélie, someone said, "A woman without love wilts like a flower without sun." I think Nashe without hugs doesn't survive very well, either.
Happiness might be about being contented with what you have; but lets face it, having certain things you don't have helps a great deal at times. The old gang.. even they have changed. Five years. We have all drifted apart in so many ways that it's impossible to get things back to the way it was before. It's a fact, and we all know it.
I have wanted to blog about this issue for some time. I debated with myself for so long. I knew I had to choose my words carefully coz I didn't want my current friends who read this to get the wrong idea and think that I don't appreciate them, because I do. I know there will inadvertently be friends reading this who are like "Oh so Nash thinks I'm not good enough for her after all this while!" Well, I can say that about myself, too, by the same token. Why don't you be friends with me and me only? Aren't I good enough for you? Reality is, one person can't cover all bases.
After this movie, I guess I can't keep it in any longer. I figured no matter how eloquently I blog about this matter, if people wanna misunderstand me, they will. If people wanna make themselves victims, they will, too. You can't say anything to those who refuse to see things from your point of view.
What you see now... My life isn't supposed to be like this. It looks fine to you but to me it has gone horribly wrong and I have no clue how to fix it. Maybe it's beyond repair and the only way now is to build a whole new one.
32 comments:
Just to reiterate what I said- I'm not depressed. But I am sick of living this way, with no one who needs me more than I want them. Though it gives me plenty of 'freedom', I hate my disposability. There's just not much to get out of bed for, nam saying? I'm scared and tired of needing anyone coz they might just leave me one day. It has happened before, it can happen again. It's best for me to not get reliant on others so much. Were I a lesser woman, I think I would have ended my life six months ago.
And oh, please don't ask what movie it was coz I'm not telling.
oh hey, dont be like that girl. dont ever ever look back. i get things that you had gone through, we all living in the past, but if you keep looking up to your future than you'll see how it will give you change and it somehow better than anything.
"What you see now... My life isn't supposed to be like this. It looks fine to you but to me it has gone horribly wrong and I have no clue how to fix it. Maybe it's beyond repair and the only way now is to build a whole new one."
Oh my GOD I swear when I read your entry it was like you were writing about me! I have to echo your sentiments--I love my current friends to death, but I really do miss my girls from high school. We all are friends on Facebook, but that's not exactly real, you know? Everyone grows up, some people get married, others have kids, while some of us do some of these things and tumble meaninglessly through life, trying to find their exact purpose.
I like to say that life is like water. You try to hold on to it in vain but it just slips through your fingers--I try to tell myself that you can't hold onto water, but there's still this part of me that hopes that maybe I can. My life is nowhere close to what I imagined it would be at 23, but I think you're right when you say that maybe we should build new ones.
Bravo, Nasha! Loved this entry and will most likely follow you. XO
Lashawn
Babe, I feel you..I mean I lost my old gang too..surrounded by 2nd degree friends for sure and I always feel there's a part of me missing like buried deep inside, girlie. Sure we should never take things for granted and don't look back so much but when these feelings resurface it's ok to be sad. Were here for you to rant away.
Babe. I miss our old gang too! You're right, we can't get back together...I don't even know where D'f, Khai and Mamud are now! Remember how we used to get sweaty group hugs every ten minutes during practice? GOOD TIMES.
Sometimes the best things really don't last. I'm stuck in the Philz now but you know I'd give you a hug if I was there yea? I wish you all the happiness, Nashe.
@ Nitya: Thing is, with what I have now, I can't see the future. I live for the moment because that's the only thing I can do.
@ Lashawn: Thanks, woman. I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from. Yeah, I'm not saying we should have everything mapped out in detail. But losing the past can't exactly propel us into any future.
@ Andhari: Thanks for that, Ndee. Thanks for telling me it's okay to be sad though I know it already. Too few people acknowledge the fact that we're entitled to our own emotions as long as we don't let the emotions eat us up. :^)
@ Izan: Dude! Those sweaty group hugs were the jagerbomb! You should see D2 now, she's practically the best in SG, no joke. It feels good to be there when she was starting out.
For what it's worth, I'm glad we're still in touch, dude.
Private comments are sexy, too, right? Wait for mine.
Hi Nashe.
Firstly, great entry. Your words flow beautifully. I feel the spirit in your writing, it sounds like a speech if you read it out loud, Try it! I get a sense of anger here but you were not rambling.
I hate those types who give you 'hugs' via MSN/YM/Twitter/text messages but make no move when they are right in front of you. Anyone can type in HUGS. It does not take effort. Real buddies would know how much you need a simple hug. Maybe restarting will be best. I hope you find the type of life and friendship that suits you.
Peace.
Ah yes, the good old days. I miss mine too. For some reason, regardless of how good your grown-up friends are, those teenage years do seem to be the best.
It's nice that you can write about feelings close to your heart so openly. Please keep writing. I am following you now. :)
Also, do stop by The Village Idiot sometime.
Perhaps you will like it.
Cheers!
Nashe... I'm so sorry to hear this, you know? I wish there was somthing I can do but I know this is something you gotta deal with on your own. Your second-last paragraph resonated with me, Nashe. i LOVE it that you wrote this whole thing, it's so raw yet sophisticated, or the other way round.
@ Putra: I got it already :))
@ Anonymous: Thanks. I agree,, typing in "Hugs" doesn't take any real effort. Maybe I've been hanging around with people who need me to say "I NEED A HUG!" before any action is taken.
@ Sandy: It's not just my teenage years, Sandy. It's specifically those times 5 years ago! Sigh.
Oh, I hopped over already. :)
@ Justyn: Thank you, J. I never thought of it as raw.
Nashe... I try to see everything from another perspective, because I am a bit older.
First of all, I totally feel you. It sucks when people change and the friends, that used to be close with you, suddenly seem to busy to hang out with you.
But between 15-25 years people go thru huge changes. Friends in teen years change. You also changed. And many go into a different direction. What you have to do is accept that it will never be like 5 years ago. Life's constantly changing. But what you can do is make the best of you. Learn, get stronger, appreciate what you have and look for new people. Maybe it's not your problem, that the old friends don't hang out with you, it's your insecurity of engaging into new friendships. I have these doubts, too. But my opinion is, that you are way cooler and approachable and I'd not think that you could have problems finding people who would be there for you when you need them - in real. Work on yourself and let go of fears, doubts and anxiety. You are an awsome girl! And many would be considered lucky to be friends with you. Real friends, that is.
Good luck!
babe, people come and go. whether we like it or not. that's how life rolls. sucks i know. but do we have much choice? maybe not. or else why would we (not) mope about it, right?
*hugs* is really easy to type but when i give you *hugs* i want you to know that i really mean it. im not really a "huggy" kind of person but i do give hugs to those who need one and worth given to :) just sayin'.
Hey sweetie... I feel ya. I have new friends and old friends and friends I have lost touch with. I miss my old friends too. But things have changed. I can only hold on to the memories we once had.
@ MKL: Yes, I know we all changed. That's what I said. I'm aware of it and don't blame anyone. Of course I'm looking forward and learning everyday. All I'm saying is my life would be so much sunnier with them around. They're like of a different breed and the friends I have now don't cut it like they did. They're not even friends I made in school, FYI.
@ Ejannz: Yeah people come and go, I know all that. I just didn't want to mention certain things like my bad decisions in making friends. And thanks, at the very least, I know your virtual hugs remain virtual only because they have to be. :)
@ Mel: That's great, Mel. It sucks that there's very little that we can do about people growing apart.
"if people wanna misunderstand me, they will. If people wanna make themselves victims, they will, too. You can't say anything to those who refuse to see things from your point of view."
So true.
Seems to me like a lot of readers don't get the fact that you KNOW you can't hold on. This is quite a thorough post! U covered all bases. I like that you said up there in the comment, "we're entitled to our own emotions as long as we don't let the emotions eat us up". Most people talk as if we should feel a certain way,as if there's a rule that says we can't feel this way or that! Most people say you have to "get over" things in the past but perhaps, that is becos they dont haVE glorious pasts! I do hope, that u know what I'm saying, and that u get all the love and hugs you deserve.
Cheers, Nashe. Another addicted reader here.
you, like wooze, are somewhat at war with yourself. there is a part of you --the girl-- who understands things in a way that no longer pertains, and there is a part of you --the woman-- who understands that these things have changed and the old perceptions won't work any longer and now require something else. you and he are both cursed with having been born with minds which reckons these transitions which others go thru with the fluidity of instinct, as fish take to water and don't look back and keep moving. don't worry. you will find your foot on a rock that doesn't wobble, and you'll be able to start your climb from there.
you stay steady, and stay true.
*'reckon'*
once you find your stroke and your stream, you're going to swim like an alligator, like a crocodile, hell like fukn ian thorpe. u are fluent n so many languages u might consider a job n the foreign service. think of all the handsome diplomats you would seduce (in the line of duty!) -- and they would spill all of their secretest secrets. matahari got nothin on you...
From the start, I oready got the sense that you're different from most (malay?)girls we have on our tiny island. I don't think I can say anything that people here have not said. You're smart enough, just jump into it! I thought you once told me, Leap and the net will appear...right? =)
The post title gave me goosebumps, btw. Lol.
@ Soncositas: :^)
@ Anonymous 2: Yes! I'm so glad you get me. I guessed that some people don't understand how or why others hold on to the past so much coz they don't feel the gravity of it. The past is my compass. As long as we don't let the past rule our lives so much, right?
@ Uno: Yeah, and I guess I'm also kinda.. scared? I can't just keep going and going when things are simply not changing. I know I gotta make the change(s) myself but it's just so hard sometimes.
(In the line of duty? Aww you just killed it. :p)
@ Flaz: Thanks. I think it's gonna take some time and hard effort for me to regain the confidence to jump! The title is a Swedish proverb, btw. :)
"The past is my compass". see, that's why i like quoting you. %)
LOLZ, I was just about to say what Putra said...!
well here's a hug from a girl across the miles *hug!
@ putra & Izan: Heh!
@ Angryredhead: A Canadian hug... great! :)
i have a strong strong strong feeling i know what movie you are talking about.or maybe its just my mamak genes going on swami overdrive.XD
What's your guess, then? (Not that I'll confirm it here, heh)
i'll text you.
I understand so well what youa re going through. In fact, I think I'll wrtie a post abouit it myself when I get back from vacay.
I lost touch with my high school friends 4 years ago, and even though I been trying so hard ot get back in touch with them it just isn't working. People are to busy with there own lives at this point. I get that.
Even though I love my current friends very much, I so miss my old friends. Who have the same background as me, the same views, opinions and ideas about life. Sound like simple friendships? When all my other friendships are to some degree dictaded by the differences, simple is very tempting!
@ Syaza: Hokayz
@ Carina: Yes, especially when things get hard, old friends can be like your comfort zone :)
the movie intrigued me, but you wont tell me what is it, right? so im not going to push it.
i feel you in this post. i also have this drama going on, sometimes. i've been a loner but thank God i have my bestfriend, Clarysse to help me survive in this world.
one piece of advice (though you're not asking for it)... dont expect too much on yourslef and others. because it's the root of most, if not all, of our frustrations. and hey, there's God that you can count on when you're having thoughts like this. Pray!
@ John: Yeah, sometimes we really can't do a thing about it.
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