I attended my cousin's 7th (or was it 8th?) birthday party a few days ago and almost all my other cousins were present, as well. Even my grandparents were there. My eldest cousin, whom I shall call A.A, will be going to Europe in May with some of his friends. I was chatting to him about his upcoming trip and stuff, and we joked about him bringing home some European chick.
My grandma, unfortunately, overheard us talking and said that she wouldn't like it if any of her grandchildren married someone from the West. She would want us to marry someone from the same culture and religion, to avoid problems of this and that (I'm just too lazy to elaborate here; but I'm sure you know what I'm getting at). My grandpa also joined the conversation, saying that it would be better for us all to stick to our own people since communication would be easier, blah3x.
I was getting ill of the banter so I asked my grandpa "What's so bad about Europeans? Your mother was Dutch."
He didn't answer my question but went on to say that I'll probably be treated as a slave if I stay in my Western husband's home country. And my grandma had to reiterate her point that she'll be disappointed if we go looking for western partners, even Middle-easterns shouldn't be an option since we don't share the same culture. (We told her she's not obliged to attend our respective weddings. Haha.)
Personally, I don't have a real problem with that; I have this inherent need for my partner to understand and speak my native tongue (and not that many people outside Asia can), but I know A.A is a bit crushed since his girlfriend is French. And what if I happen to fall head over heels for someone who doesn't share my culture one day?
Honestly, though, I don't know where my grandparents get their opinions from. I mean, it's not like our family is new to interracial marriages. We have Japanese, Americans, Aussies and Vietnamese among us. And those are only the ones I know of. None of them have any trouble whatsoever (in fact, they have some of the most stable relationships I've ever seen) so I can't accept my grandparents saying stuff like that. Sure, communication can be strained at times with certain language barriers but doesn't that make the ride all the more interesting?
And what's the point of marrying someone from the same religion and culture if he's gonna be an idiot? There's no guarantee that the person is a practicing Muslim, either. What if you just don't click? What's the damn use?
I'm not saying that A.A and I will find western partners just to annoy our grandma or actually bow to her wishes, but it would be nice to have her support and blessings no matter what the situation might be.
33 comments:
Old people...cant do much bout them.
Know what I think? I think u should just grab Tank and runlikethewind,bullseye right now!
@ Woody: That's so not on my agenda, thanks!
last night we had some friends over for dinner and a movie, and one of our friends brought with him his girlfriend of the last few months. she's smart, pretty, and mexican. our friend is originally from texas, where the spics are shunned by the gringos. in december when he told his mama he had a mexican girlfriend and he would be bringing her home to texas for the holidays, mama freaked out and said "oh no the hell you're not." so ryan had to choose between mama and maria. and he chose maria.
this sad shit happen all the time.
your particular family seems cosmopolitan for the most part, but in any case, nashe^, consort and settle with whom you damn well please. i know you will.
btw, my partner and i chose each other over our families ten (ye fukn gads!) years ago and never looked back.
"And what's the point of marrying someone from the same religion and culture if he's gonna be an idiot? There's no guarantee that the person is a practicing Muslim, either. What if you just don't click? What's the damn use?"
And just what's the damn use if all he's gonna do is talk about NS? Lawl. I think I can't get over your bad date. It's such a joke.
Oh well. But on a much serious note, I get what you mean. Haiz. My sister's having that problem I guess. Sigh, sigh.
Bien sur. That you'll "probably be treated as a slave if you stay in your Western husband's home country" is such a stereotype. And also being able to share the same culture shouldnt be such a big hoo-ha, wouldnt it be interesting to really see what other people practices and besides its not like the malay culture is the best culture anyways. Its not necessarily that westerners are crazy and middle-easterns are oppressive. Times have changed and people are more educated and open-minded. I dont see whats the big-deal with interracial marriages. Its the financial depression and the homeless children in Gaza we should be worrying about.Or something.
but i guess of course, your grandparents are just worried for u guys. surely she wont disown u or wtv when u decide to marry an eskimo or something. at least u're not planning to elope to vegas. (or at least u are not telling her that u are...) ;)
But it would be wonderful, if that future spouse is willing to go all the way, like learning to speak your tongue, just so to bridge the language barrier. :)
@ Uno: But it's just too sad not to have my grandparents' support! I mean, we're a pretty tight family so I wouldn't feel right choosing an outsider over family. But I think (hope?) that if that moment ever comes, they'll accept him all the same.
@ Ame: Thanks a lot, Mel! XD
You never know when I might find a SGean who won't be so into NS. okai? And your sis... yeah man. Mamak? :D
@ Masth: My grandpa talked about the slave thing coz that's what's happening to one of my relatives who married an American man. But her case is like totally one-off seh.
Yeah, that's the thing, I don't think she'll do anything drastic if any of us do decide to marry orang luar. I did tell her I might be eloping and everyone was like, "KAU TAK NAK HANTARAN?!"
-.-"
@ Dilah: Yeah exactly. But whatever lah kan, orang tua ni. Personally though, I would want him to be a native speaker, I don't know why.
That...sucks balls.
I know you'd pull through it no matter who you choose to marry but wow the fact that they don't like it really puts a damper.
What is Tankyboo? Not westerner right?
@ Izan: Tankyboo!?? Haha. He's from Brunei, dude. Of course he ain't no western man. What does it matter though? I don't think we're ever getting married (to each other).
LULZ
YOU CALLED ME WOODY!! Hahaha!! homg...
anyways yeah I'm just thinking. Like, Tanky is both from your culture and has your religion right? You got naught to worry about. Plus, he's way hot. People will accept hot son-in-laws. hahahhahhhahaha
guilty, since I love latinos and european men. Despite how troubles they can be at times if they live here surrounded by many girls.
haha
You know, coming from a culture and country that simply CANNOT accept someone from another culture,religion or even a different sect of the same religion....I had to once consider this. I fell for a European guy...and I just got to thinking,'what if' (hey, all us girls do this!) and I concluded that my only options were to leave everything, family, relatives, country....because they wouldn't accept me no matter what. It's sad...considering sometimes like you said..the most compatible guy from your own culture can be a complete ass.
@ Justyn: People will accept hot anything, for that matter! But this goes way beyond that, I guess. Sigh. And what naught to worry about?! Haha! I'm not planning to get hitched to T-boy! XD
@ Lolita: Haha! Lots of hunky dudes in JKT for you! And oh Latinos are definitely yummy. :D
@ PLP: But there's always that possibility that the marriage might not work out, then your family might not take you back, yadda3x. Damn it.
(Not even from a different sect? Damn that's bad.)
I agrees! I agreez with Masth that the malay culture is not the best culture. Hello, they cant be serious that all the kampong-ilmu-hitam and wtv nonsense stuff is good.
I'm laughin at your HANTARAN thing up there, Hahaha... can you imagine if my folks ask for some crazy amt..? I'll be a spinster all my life.
My folks were okay, but my grandparents used to be like this. STubborn old people. Unlike your family though,we're not very tight so their comments/opinion don't affect me so much.
anyway i think its gr8 that at least you're not attracted to westerners. Like what Justyn said, grab Tanky and run!!1!
Adding on to the Hantaran comment...I don't know why/how some parents can ask for big amounts for hantaran. I dated this girl who told me, "Mak i cakap, bila I kawin, hantaran mesti lebih $8000."
motherfucker, that girl was only an ITE graduate LOR. We broke up like a week later.
@ Fai: Haha! Spinster or whudd. I find the whole hantaran thing bad ah siak. It'll be so sad if you have to let go of the love of your life just coz he couldn't afford you.
(Yeah my friend was talking about the whole ilmu-hitam thing, too. Exactly my point ah, I mean, this is the kinda thing Fazlann would go "Bebual macam bagos". Sheesh.)
@ Flash: ZOMG you guys have to stop talking about Tanky. Dammit! I'm so not getting hitched to him, s'il vous plait! XD
And I get what you mean, $8000 is kinda steep for an ITE graduate. Not to be mean. The mother must be dreaming. How much do you think MY hantaran should be? =\
Few Qstns:
1) Why don't you think you'll get married to Tank?
2) Your grandma might be against it. But will you parents be fine with westerners?
3) WTF is a hantaran???
Izan...
1) I don't wanna think about this.
2) My parents are fine, but they do prefer the guy to be a Muslim. I do, too.
3) Hantaran is basically dowry. It can range from a few thousand bucks to as much as the guy can afford.
It's supposedly a price for the girl's uhm, virginity, though I suppose the situation has somehow become lax.(LULZ) Anywayz, the amount apparently increases with the girl's level of education and stuff like that.
Hi, I'm just trolling your site. Who sets the amount for the dowry/hantaran?
You're in college right? So your hantaran shld probly be about.. $10K? Plus you're gorgeous. Can add a few hundred to that. LOOOLLLLLSS
@ Anon: Usually it's the girl's parents, but it's negotiable.
@ Flash: LOLZ, okay. XD
when you asked a married couple, especially an old married couple what makes a good relationship, they basically just tell you the good from their relationship...
@ Slop: They never do tell me the good, just the possible setbacks that might have had if they were different.
What about indonesians?
Good question, putra.
-RD
I guess your might grandparents are a bit closed minded about this. I could probably say the same about my grandparents too. It came to the point where they were talking about fixed marriage and that they would choose our lifetime partner with us..isn't that awful?!
Not to change the subject or anything but ummm...I tagged in you in latest blog post called HAVE YOU EVER. so tag your it. =)
@ Putra: Well, as long as they're not chinese indonesians like you.
@ RD: Diam kamu.
@ CGM: I'm glad at least THAT isn't happening and won't happen to me! Geez. Ok, will check out soon!
Peh... none of that really matters once you spit out a kid. They just go nuts over the whole thing at that point *sigh*
@ Gad: LOL! I hope you're right! =))
Dear gawd...my own mother said the same exact thing.
Your grandparents and my mother is just way to old-fashion, man.
It bugs me. To only date people who share the same culture and beliefs as your you or family is narrow-minded ignorance.
@ Tiff: Your mom!? Really? Hah, but I think they'll learn to accept it in time.
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