Restart
You know the guy who broke my heart some time back and then kept calling at odd hours of the night just to say Hi and then hang up but I never once actually mentioned any of it in this blog for fear of sounding ridiculous, lame and pathetic? Lets call him Hesse.
I had a boyfriend when Hesse and I hooked up, for the second time. I felt bad for breaking up with someone who loved me for someone I liked.. but it didn't feel as bad as having Hesse missing from my life.
Looking back, it seems kinda dumb; but I knew that if I didn't see how things went with Hesse, I'd be thinking about it forever. That'll be the last time I'm breaking up with someone nice for someone sexy.
I knew all the reasons why Hesse and I shouldn't be together but I went ahead with it anyway (like a dumbass, yes). I must admit, I was a different person when I was with him. I was this disgustingly smitten 20 year old who had no clue what was happening in the outside world whenever he's in the room. It wasn't love; it was an addiction.
The bad times, though, were some of the worst moments of my life. I thought the good times were worth all the bad days...until I didn't.
And I'm not gonna lie; it felt like he left me a little worse for wear, a little damaged. I feel like anyone else would be better than him but at the same time? It's like no one else can measure up. (Measure up to what, idk.)
It's a funny, confusing feeling.
We never had any sort of closure so guess I do miss him in a way. He made me laugh like no one else ever did, y'know? I'm not sure how it's possible but even my giggles came out different. I never heard myself laugh like that again.
***
One day, though, I woke up and knew it was time to put the memory of him away. Enough with the questions and confusion. Enough with the caring. But why does it feel like it hurts more to know that I've let go?
Another funny, confusing feeling.
Maybe a part of me thinks pain is at least better than numbness. Maybe it's gotta hurt if it's gotta heal. I don't know. The crux of the matter is... after all the laughter, glee, confusion, heartache and madness, I'm just not sure how to start again. And that was all I wanted to say.
I'm not sure how to start again.
*I'll figure it out, though.
The Nashty
- Nashe^
- Twenty7 and not much hotter. Looking for my happily ever after.
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17 comments:
holichick, why do i feel like reading my own past??!!!!! =(
let's figure this one out together because i honestly am shit tired of dealing with this nonsense.
Ok... Why are you writing about me when I was 20 as if it had been you?!
Girl, I'll tell you that much: no one ever knows how or where to start again - we just... do it. Amazingly enough, our instincts just take over, and we go on, as simple as that.
And then, all of a sudden, we're in this completely different place, where we don't give a shit anymore! And it is sucha relief.
But yeah, it takes time.
May I say, btw, that I LOVE The Lion King, and that scene is one of the best ones in the movie?! It's the whole core of the story! Loved it! =D
Oh no Nashe.. I actually experienced the same with Dane, when I left Athan for him but got burnt in the end :( There is not a day that passes by that I don't think about what happened and feel regret but then again I know I needed to go through that because I will forever think of the what if's if not. It's like I was reading a diary entry of my alternate universe self, it's as if you were taking the words from my mouth (or fingers, as you type heh). I wish and pray you, Lizzybeb and I can go through this soon. Hugs from Manila!
I've never met Hesse and you probly won't approve of this but I feel like pounding that guy to pulp. How dare he hurt our sweet little Nashty!
You'll figure it out soon, chica.
what a funny, confusing feeling...
I like the honesty here :)
Isn't it true, girls tend to like a bad guy.
Now, look for new activities and make yourself busy with your favorite hobbies. Hope you can get through this Nashe :)
Damn, this hits a little close to home. Thanks for this,it is like you put my old thoughts into words. Take care hon, you deserve all the love, with or without Hesse.
<3
@Liz & Krissy: Why are amazing girls always subjected to such misery, right?!? Hahahaa...
@ Rml: I wanna fast-forward to that day when I just don't give a hoot anymore!
@ Ortega & Rika: Thanks mates. :]
You had to follow your heart sweetie and as much as the other guy loved you, that wasn't enough if you didn't love him the same way. I don't know how guys can be dumb enough the let such amazing girls slip through their fingers. But you'll meet a great guy (he won't be good enough for you) and the two of you will love each other like crazy. Actually, love is crazy and confusing, so take some comfort in being normal (not a dumbass) in that way--and exceptional in so many others. =)
^ what Ricademus said.
Lesson learned, huh? Sekurang-kurangnya, you don't have to think about the big 'what if'. All the funny confusing feelings will be nothing one day when the right person comes along.
"I knew that if I didn't see how things went with Hesse, I'd be thinking about it forever."
that is proof positive you know what you are doing even if you make it up as you go. there's a good counselor between your ears.
Sounds like my life. Only not with someone sexy and nice.
Curiosity bites.
I don't think we ever know how to start again, nor do I think that's important. Or maybe what I'm trying to say is life/time/ourselves are smarter than we (our conscious brain) are, and therefore we don't need to be able to say it out loud in order to be able to do it.
I know you'll be able to start again, you know you'll be able to start again, so there's no need to mull over it. In fact, you're already starting again, I'm sure. But it will take time and a lot, a lot, a lot of patience. I know, because I have my patience tried over and over, and I am not a patient person.
On the other hand, I applaud you for blogging about it and hope you'll venture into these topics more often in the future!
We desperately need to have a coffee break together again.
As little orphan Annie sang about tomorrow, our b-days are "only a day awaaaaay". Well, they're back-to-back and that makes me smile. I was going to write something about great people having birthdays near each other, but I was premature--does that matter???
i kinda know what you mean... there was this guy i was completely "in love" with, we hung out regularly and i thought the feeling was mutual but then one day, he just stopped talking to me... dropped me like a fly. I never did get closure so some days he still appears in my dreams but it just stays there. I've moved on and am definitely much happier now. Here's my cliche of the day for you: don't let your past affect your future. :P
Nash, i don't know how to describe this feeling because i really don't know and i'm never experiencing that some sort of problem in my life before.
Hesse's just playing with your heart, please hold on to something that a lot of better :)
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